


Survival in the Face of Defeat

by sparklingsea



Series: Survival [2]
Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pre-Slash, Spoilers, season 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-16
Updated: 2014-07-16
Packaged: 2018-02-09 04:13:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1968570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparklingsea/pseuds/sparklingsea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mike takes control and makes a major decision that will change his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Survival in the Face of Defeat

Mike stood in front of the elevators leading up to the 50th floor of Pearson Specter, to that one conference room; the conference room that has had so many important and career-changing moments for Mike. He used to look forward to riding the elevator to the 50th floor. Now there was trepidation…confusion…weariness…and fear. Fear of the place he truly started to live. Fear of the people he grew to love. Fear of seeing the one man who changed Mike’s life for better and for worse in some ways; the one man who Mike would never want to let go of, but may have to.

Mike takes a deep breath before getting on the elevator. He was curious as to why this meeting was called. Donna had called Amy and said Logan Sanders and Harvey Specter wanted to meet with Mike to discuss a different negotiation than the previous one. One that was to be beneficial for all parties involved. Mike couldn’t for the life of him figure this one out.

No one else was in the elevator with Mike. He tried to get his shaky hands under control. He couldn’t show weakness in front of Logan and Harvey. They’d tear him apart…not that that’s any different from what they’ve been doing. But still: strength. He needed it.

Mike realized he really didn’t have anyone. It was times like this, when the loneliness was unbearable that he missed his Grammy the most. He missed her everyday, but especially when he felt alone. He missed her hugs, her kisses, her smiles. He missed her calling him a little shit. He missed her endless support and love. He missed her telling him how proud she was of him – no matter how much he screwed up she was always proud. Proud of Mike. Proud that he was her grandson. He just missed his grandmother. He wanted her arms around him and he wanted to feel loved by her again. He wanted her to be there. Because she was always there and he failed her. He wasn’t always there – she deserved so much more from him. He hoped to every force in the world that she knew how much and how fiercely he loved her.

Rachel wasn’t speaking to him. She let this business deal come into the relationship. Mike tried so hard to keep it out, but it just couldn’t be done. She couldn’t see that this had nothing to do with her, with Logan, with Harvey. Mike needed this deal to keep his job. But more importantly, Mike made a promise to Walter Gillis. The man may hate him, but Mike made a promise. Rachel couldn’t see that, or she just didn’t want to. Mike was tired of explaining. He was tried of defending himself. He was tired of people beating him down. He thought Rachel would be there for him – he thought she’d be happy he was trying to succeed on his own. Moreover, he thought Rachel would be the person he’d marry. He thought they would support each other, be there for each other, comfort each other. The past few months have felt tense, cold and lonely. This wasn’t what they signed up for. This wasn’t the happiness they dreamed of. This was the path of destruction and they needed to get out – for each other and for themselves.

Donna was convinced he’d betrayed her. He bought those tapes for Harvey, right after the conversation with Donna. He thought it’d be a nice gesture to keep the peace between the two of them. He never meant to use them against Harvey, but there was only so many times a person can be told he’s useless before he lashes out. And coming from the most important person in his life…well Mike lashed out in a big way. Now Donna won’t speak to him. It was funny…she said she thought they were friends. Mike didn’t think that – he didn’t think she gave a shit about him. Everything she did was for Harvey, never for Mike. And he couldn’t blame her for that, but he didn’t betray her. He knew that and he truly believed that.

Louis hated him. It was understandable. Mike never thought he’d do what he did – use the woman Louis was in love with against him. Mike could admit to himself that what he did was pretty horrible of him, but he did what Harvey taught him – play the man. So yes, Louis may hate him, but their relationship has been rocky from the start. They’d hurt each other too many times. They were never going to have a healthy relationship and Mike was okay with that. There was too much damage to repair any sort of friendship.

Trevor and Jenny weren’t speaking to him – but that went both ways. Mike hadn’t tried either. His oldest friend and the one girl who accepted him and never held it against him. If he was honest, Mike missed Trevor the most. He wished that they could come to some sort of understanding. They’d been through so much with each other and they both did horrible things to each other in end. He really missed Trevor.

Harvey. Mike loves Harvey – he changed his life. But Harvey was also the one person who could hurt Mike the most and he has hurt him so much in the past few months, before Mike left Pearson Specter. Mike now goes to sleep at night and hears _“You think you’re not replaceable?”_ , _“Long after I’ve forgotten you”_ , _“I made you”_ , _“Not the best lawyer”_ and the worst, “ _You’re nothing without me”_. It was an endless loop and it cut Mike to the core. He didn’t think Harvey would use his drug deal mishap, but he did. Mike understood – Logan was going to find out and this was a way to stop it. But Harvey was the one who told him there were 146 ways to get away from a gun. Where were those ways? He couldn’t think of anything else? Before Mike left, before the merger, before the memo situation – at the beginning, when Mike thought of Harvey it warmed his entire being; that someone cared that much about him, for him. Now, it left him feeling lost and so alone. He hadn’t seen Harvey since that day in Harvey’s office when they lashed out at each other. He doesn’t know how to look at him without feeling pain.

 _Ding_.

_Here we go._

SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsS

 

Harvey was dreading the meeting. He couldn’t believe he let this happen. He knew this would completely break him and Mike, but he promised Jessica – she made him sign that document. Objectively, Mike was easier to let go of. There was no law firm tied to Mike. Personally, Harvey will never forgive himself for destroying Mike’s life.

Harvey was sitting in the conference room waiting for both Logan and Mike. He looked up from the table as Mike stepped out of the elevator. He looked so tired and defeated. Harvey feels his stomach clench.

 _He’s going to hate me_.

Mike lifted his head and Harvey caught his gaze. Mike walked to the glass door of the room and carefully stepped inside. They just stared at each other before Mike dropped his gaze and walked to stand opposite Harvey.

Harvey noticed that Mike was looking slightly pale and definitely skinnier than usual. He frowned in concern. Mike noticed.

“What?” Mike asked, wearily.

It was so bad that Mike just expected the worst now; he had no idea what was coming. Harvey wanted to scream. He wanted Mike to go away and hide. Harvey may not have committed the act, but he let it happen.

He answered softly, “You don’t look so good, Mike.”

Mike shrugged. “Busy few weeks.”

Harvey sighed. “Yeah, busy.”

After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, Harvey shifted and leaned on the table.

“Thank you…for the tapes. I really appreciate it.”

Mike smiled and then his face fell. “I wasn’t going to use them, Harvey. I was never going to use them.”

Harvey’s heart broke at Mike’s expression. “I know, Mike. I didn’t think you were.”

Harvey just watched Mike. He looked skittish and unsure. It was so different from the confidence Mike gained. This wasn’t the Mike that left. It made something dark unfurl in Harvey.

 _I was punishing him for leaving. I didn’t treat him as a client. I didn’t show him any respect_.

Harvey was disappointed in himself for being petty. He was disappointed in Mike for caring too much about Harvey’s opinion. He was disappointed that the greatest friendship he’s had in years disintegrated around him and he did nothing to stop it.

The door opened and Logan glided in. Harvey tensed up.

 _Here we go_.

Logan walked up to Mike and stuck his hand out. “Mike, pleasure to see you again.”

Harvey fumed internally. _Get away from him_.

Mike shook Logan’s hand. “Likewise, Mr. Sanders.”

Harvey gave Mike credit – he was keeping his cool. He was impressed with his ex-protégé.

“Alright, let’s start this meeting, shall we?” Harvey addressed both men whilst sitting down. He maintained his cool indifference. He had to, otherwise he’d never get through this meeting.

Mike took the seat opposite him and Logan stood behind Harvey’s chair. Harvey rolled his eyes internally. _Stance of power_.

They all just remained still for a few moments. Mike’s eyes were darting back and forth between Harvey and Logan. Harvey wanted to warn Mike what was coming, but he couldn’t. He wanted Mike to run and run fast.

“Erm…the proposal you had?” Mike addressed Logan.

“Ah, yes. I’m scrapping that deal. It won’t work. I have new information that will be much more beneficial for me.”

Mike looked confused and he turned to Harvey. Harvey dropped his eyes. He couldn’t look at Mike right now.

 _Such a coward, Harvey_.

“New information?” Mike questioned, his voice timid.

“Yes. I’m sure you won’t be shocked by it, Mike. Not like Harvey was, anyway.”

Mike’s eyebrows shot up and Harvey wanted to escape.

Logan threw a file on the table. “That’s the complete background check on one, Michael James Ross. It’s a thick file. Who would have thought Pearson Specter had a fraud winning most of their cases?”

Harvey’s blood turned to ice when he looked Mike. Mike who was frozen staring with glazed eyes at the file. Harvey wanted to kill Logan. He wanted to rip this asshole to shreds. He wanted to apologize to Mike over and over again. He wanted to take Mike and run for the hills. _“I have 2 tickets to Buenos Aires”_. How times have changed.

 

SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsS

 

Mike couldn’t breathe.

_I’m going to prison. Shit._

He gripped the arms of his seat so tightly, his knuckles turned to white. He could feel the beads of sweat sliding down his neck. He could feel his heart crashing against his rib cage. It was like everything else stopped and that file was the only thing he could see.

Sudden movement across from him snapped him out of his daze. Harvey stood up. Mike could see the tension throughout his body. His face was unreadable.

_Harvey knew. He let this happen. He knew._

Mike didn’t think Harvey would ever do this. Despite all the shit they’d been through, despite all the hurt they’d done to each other, Harvey was the one person Mike would take a bullet for and he thought they were on the same page.

 _I guess I thought wrong_.

“What the hell is this?” Mike snapped at Logan.

Logan smirked and raised his hands up as if to say _calm down_.

“I told you I was going to look into you. I need this takeover.”

“You told me you were going to drop it. For Rachel!”

“At that point I already contacted my P.I. After I said that to you, he got back and handed me this. There was no way I wasn’t going to use this.”

Mike stood up. His legs were trembling. Both men opposite stared at him – Logan with a smug expression and Harvey with a completely blank one.

“Well, Mike, don’t you want to see the secrets we’ve uncovered. Rachel’s never going to forgive you. She tried so hard to get into Law School and here you are living her dream without a degree.” Mike almost laughed. _Yeah, here I am_. He needed to warn Rachel. He wasn’t going to let her go down with this.

Harvey still had that damn blank look as Mike grabbed the file from the table. Mike looked at Logan and put on his mask. He wasn’t going to let this asshole get the better of him. He took a deep breath and took control of this.

“I’m so sorry, Harvey,” Harvey finally looked at him and Mike saw emotion there for the first time today. Confusion. _Good_.  

“I never got my J.D. I’m not a real lawyer. I hacked into Harvard’s records and created a student account and history for myself and I hacked into the Bar and did the same.”

Logan looked like it was Christmas morning. Harvey looked devastated. He knew what Mike was doing.

“Mike, I –”

“I’m sorry I betrayed you Harvey. I’m sorry I lied to you. I’m sorry I – ”

“–Mike!” Harvey sounded panicked. Isn’t this what he planned? Mike was just taking control for once in his life.

“I’m so sorry, Harvey.” He just looked into Harvey’s eyes and hoped the man knew that these apologies were empty. He was tired of saying sorry for everything. This was it.  

He turned to Logan. “What do you want? I’m assuming I’m going to prison…”

Harvey interjected quickly, “Look, let’s just –”

“Harvey, you knew what was going to happen here,” Logan addressed Harvey before turning to Mike.

“Look Mike, you did something wrong, something illegal and you need to pay the price,” Mike observed Logan. He was right. He did need to pay the price. Logan actually looked sorry. The confusion must have shown on his face because Logan continued.

“I am sorry I did this. I love Rachel, Mike. I’ve loved her for a long time. And she cares about you. So hurting you will hurt her and I’m sorry for that. But this is what my P.I. came up with and I am using it.”

Mike nodded his head. He could understand that. This was business. This was what it meant to be in this field. Using your artillery. This was Logan’s. Mike was furious. But, surprisingly not at Logan. But at himself. At Harvey. At this firm. Okay, maybe a little bit at Logan.

“So, how do we do this?” Mike couldn’t believe this was happening. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew this was always going to happen…he just didn’t think it’d be so soon.

“The U.S. Attorney’s Office will be notified after this. They’re going to call you in. You can find a lawyer to help you.” Logan said, looking at Mike.

Mike nodded. “Would it be easier if I just went to them myself rather than wait?”

Harvey’s head snapped up. Apparently this wasn’t going to plan at all. _Good_.

“Yes, if you’d like. Just if you don’t, they’ll still come for you. I’m not letting this go.”

Mike regarded Logan carefully. He’ll be a good businessman. “I know. I wouldn’t expect you to. I guess I should be thanking you for the warning.”

Logan smirked. “I wouldn’t go so far, Ross.”

“Yeah, I’m cursing you, Sanders.” Mike smirked back. He let out a deep sigh. “Right, I need a lawyer.”

“I can find you a lawyer, Mike. From the D.A.’s office, there are –”

“No. I’ll find one.” Mike cut Harvey off, his voice cold.

 

SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsS

 

Harvey almost flinched at Mike’s tone. He couldn’t blame him. Not at all. Mike took control of this situation and Harvey, once again, underestimated this kid. But he put him here, the least he could do is try to help him.

“Mike, I can help you –”

“No, Harvey. If you get anywhere near this, they’ll tie it back to you, which is not _true_.”

Harvey barely managed to keep that flinch at bay. He deserved it. He also knew Mike would never let him go down with him. He still needed to explain to Mike. He needed to talk to Mike alone.

Mike was staring impassively at Harvey. Harvey hated it – he could always read Mike by his expression. He didn’t deserve that anymore, though.

“Logan, I need to speak with Mike, alone.”

He saw Logan nod and step out of the room from the corner of his eye.

The two of them were left standing opposite each other, the long table separating them. Harvey was waiting for Mike to hit him. But he knew Mike would never – Harvey has always been the one to react physically. Never Mike.

Harvey gripped the back of the seat in front of him. “Mike, I need to explain.”

Mike crossed his arms, still holding the file. He nodded his head for Harvey to continue.

Harvey was unnerved – Mike’s never been so quiet before.

“Right. Logan came to me with this information. I thought he was going to drop it, but he came to me and I was shocked. He thought it was because I didn’t know, but it was because he found out and…I honestly didn’t plan for any scenario where someone would find out.”

“It wasn’t exactly out of the realm of possibilities, Harvey. In fact, it was the most likely possibility.”

Harvey closed his eyes and sighed. “I know. I know that.”

Mike cleared his throat. “It’s also not your job to plan that for me. I’m an adult. _I_ made this decision to lie to everyone. _I_ did this and _I_ needed to plan for it, which I didn’t because I knew it was going to happen and _I_ decided to let it when it did.”

Harvey took a step back from the table and ran a shaky hand through his hair. “You’re my responsibility, Mike –”

“I’m not! I haven’t been your responsibility, Harvey, for a while now. I left. I thought it would help and it didn’t. I’m not your responsibility. I’m not your anything. Objectively speaking, this, me going to prison alone, makes sense.”

Harvey shook his head. “Yeah, objectively. But we’ve never been objective, have we? I betrayed you, Mike. I did and I need you to know why.”

“Why do you _need_ me to know? Because I deserve to know, or because you want to ease your conscience?” Mike sounded so cool and unaffected. Harvey hated it. He hated this entire situation.

“That’s unfair! You deserve to know why you’re going to prison now, Mike. You do. This has nothing to do with my feelings.”

Mike scoffed. “Doesn’t it? Harvey, if I walked out of this room and you believed that I spent the next however many years in prison resenting and blaming you, wouldn’t that kill you? You need me to forgive you, so you can still live your life. So you can still practice law to the best of your ability. So you can continue to be Harvey Goddamn Specter.”

Harvey fell back against the wall. Mike was right – it would kill him, knowing he did that to Mike. He stared at the ground and heard Mike take a deep breath.

“That was harsh. I…I didn’t. I know you want to give me an explanation, Harvey. I know you want to give me one, for me. And I know you’ll still feel guilty regardless of whether or not I blame you. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Harvey looked up. Finally, Mike looked like something other than indifference. He looked bone-tired.

“You’re right, though. It would kill me. Not just the thought that you resented me…or that you h-hated me,” he got caught on that one word, “but that I should be there too.”

Mike’s head snapped up from where he was staring at the ground. He glared at Harvey.

“Shut up. Just don’t, Harvey. You shouldn’t be in there, okay?”

“Mike, I –”

“No, just stop, Harvey. I can guess what happened. You went to Jessica with what Logan gave you and she gave you something to sign saying you are not allowed to out yourself or her. Am I wrong?”

Harvey shook his head. “No, you’re right.”

Mike’s lips twitched up at the corners. “I’m actually not an idiot, Harvey. I may be naïve, gullible, too trusting and a screw-up, but I’m not an idiot. And I’m not blaming you or Jessica. I get it. If you ever admitted that you knew, Jessica would be called into question and this firm, everything she’s built, would be under fire. Because of me. And I’d rather not see that happen because this is the place where I felt alive, with a sense of purpose for the first time and I’ll always be grateful for that. So, just shut up, Harvey. I did this. I did this alone, okay?”

Harvey’s heart was going double time. He wanted to give Mike so much more. He deserved so much more.

“You’re not a screw-up, Mike,” he said softly.

Mike laughed dryly. “That’s what you got from that? I’m a college drop out who’s been committing fraud for over a year. I’m the definition of a screw-up.”

Harvey didn’t want to hear that, which was funny considering he has said that to Mike countless times. Always reminding him.

 _If I could take it back, I would_.

“You’re brilliant, Mike.”

Mike threw the file on the table. “Just stop. I don’t want to hear this, okay? I don’t blame you, and I won’t. But that doesn’t mean I’m not angry. Because I am okay? I’m going to prison, Harvey. I’m angry. I know that I need to face the consequences, I know that, but I’m furious. So just, stop.”

Harvey’s hands were shaking. He nodded his head.

“So, where does that leave us?” It was said so softly, Harvey wasn’t sure if Mike heard him.

Mike flinched back visibly. He heard. Mike remained silent. Harvey stared at Mike and Mike was staring at the table. A few minutes passed before any more was said.

“Harvey…I don’t think we should…we shouldn’t see each other again, after this. It’ll be better this way.”

Harvey felt his stomach drop. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Mike was supposed to get angry and then move past it, like he always did. He was supposed to let Harvey take care of this. He was supposed to let Harvey fix this.

“No, Mike…that isn’t…it won’t be better. How can you say that?”

Mike was looking straight at him now. He stood up to his full height. “Harvey, if you and I keep in contact throughout this procedure, it’ll be suspicious. The last thing I…we need, is for you to get involved. It’s better if we just drop all contact. Pearson Specter won’t have any extra hits this way –”

Harvey had to fully lean back against the wall. He couldn’t stand up.

 _I did this. I lost him. I let him go_.

Mike was still talking.

“– and I’ll tell Rachel. I was going to end our relationship before this. She’s not happy, I’m not happy… it isn’t what we thought it would be. I’ll tell her not to say anything – she wouldn’t anyway. She’s got too much going for her. You need to tell Donna not to say anything. She wouldn’t either, though. She’ll protect you at whatever cost, even if it’s me.”

More silence. Harvey couldn’t deal with this. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen.

“Mike, I’ll visit you. I’ll come see you every chance I get.” Harvey needed to know Mike just meant during the before and not after he was taken in. He couldn’t lose Mike completely.

 

SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsS

 

Mike didn’t want to hear that. He just wanted to leave. Leave it all behind. This secret had been suffocating him for too long. It was funny – the thought of being caught, it was kind of liberating. He didn’t have to worry about that anymore. He just had to worry about surviving in prison. He hoped it wasn’t like the horror stories. He had details coming out of his ears with prison stories. Eidetic memories sucked sometimes.

He looked at Harvey, who was slumped against the wall. He was angry at Harvey, but he still loved the man. This was the man who gave him a chance. But the past few months proved that they had the ability to hurt each other worse than any other person. It wasn’t healthy. It wasn’t the relationship they had at the beginning. Mike truly believed if they stayed and tried to fix them, it would just break them further. He needed to end this, for both of them.

“Harvey, I don’t think you should…I-I don’t want you to.”

Harvey looked like he’d been gutted and Mike felt the same. They’d hurt each other too many times; this would be the last.

“Mike, you don’t mean that.”

“I do…I really don’t think this is healthy for us, Harvey. Don’t visit me, don’t go there,” Mike could see that he was about to argue.

“Please, Harvey. Just do this for me.” That was it. He could see Harvey deflate.

Harvey didn’t say anything. He pulled himself together and walked around the table to where Mike was standing.

 

SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsS

 

Harvey regarded the man in front of him. He couldn’t believe that this is what it came to.

“You’re angry with me.” Harvey didn’t know why he said that. It was obvious.

Mike rolled his eyes. “Yes, Harvey, I am. And I’m not ready to forgive you. But I don’t blame you, okay?”

Harvey’s head shot up. He realized he hadn’t even apologized. “I…Mike, I…” he trailed off, he didn’t know where to begin.

Mike shrugged his shoulders and looked at the ground before looking at Harvey. “I know, Harvey. I know,” he took a deep breath. “So, I guess this is it.”

Mike stuck out his hand as if a handshake would make this less painful. Harvey scoffed at the gesture. He gripped Mike’s hand and pulled him in for a hug. He held him tightly. Mike’s arms were stiff and kept at his own sides. Harvey didn’t care, he just needed to hold him once. Mike’s head fell onto Harvey’s shoulder for a moment and he gripped Harvey back, before pushing out of his arms.

Harvey felt abandoned. He felt alone. He felt heartbroken. He just lost someone he considered to be his greatest friend.

“I’m going to go. Please tell Donna and Jessica goodbye for me.”

Harvey nodded and then the two stared at each other. Mike ducked his head.

“Okay, I’m leaving,” he looked up and Harvey could see his eyes flitting all over, as if trying to memorize Harvey’s face. Mike would never forget. It was times like this that Harvey wished he had that memory. He never wanted to forget Mike. He would never, he couldn’t.

“Goodbye, Harvey.” Mike walked to the door quickly.

“Mike…I’m going to miss you,” Harvey said to his back. He could see Mike tense. He opened the door.

“Me too,” Mike whispered over his shoulder before striding out of the room. Harvey stood frozen in the room. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t think. He didn’t know anything anymore.

 

SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsS

 

Mike stood at the elevators. He looked over to the glass walls where Harvey was still standing. He felt his heart constrict and tears welling up.

_You changed my life and turned my world around. I love you._

Mike got onto the elevator and planned his next move. His first stop was the U.S. Attorney’s Office. He could do this. He could survive this.

**Author's Note:**

> I sometimes just want Mike to just walk away from everything and find people who will treat him with respect. The way I saw this takeover was that if Harvey respected him as a client in the first place, Mike wouldn't have put them into review and this whole thing could have been avoided. I know that's not the way a lot of people see it, but my love for Mike runs deep.
> 
> Anyway this was the alternate ending to the first part! A little more angst. Let me know what you guys think! Thanks :).


End file.
